I'm so sorry I couldn't get to you... The words of this song resonates deep within me when I think of my Dad and the days and months leading up to his passing.
I couldn't open his eyes to see me. He died never seeing me for who I am and that hurts. It is terrible feels of loss that a person I loved died without over knowing me.
This song gives words to my hurt. The stinging rejection by my own father. What did my Dad see when he looked at me? My childhood best friend told me she was shocked when my mother approached her and made a comment to the effect that she was surprised that I had done so well, that she had always worried that I would be a burden on society. She was surprised that I had gone on to have a family, managed to keep a job etc...
For me, my parents were the monsters under my bed and in my closet. During the darkest hours of my life, they were the monsters that scurried about doing dark deeds. My mother seeking out the supervisor that was bullying me at work. I wasn't the only employee she bullied, many others fled or quit. Maggie happily bragged about her confab with my Mom to a good friend of mine Julie who was horrified, "Who does that?" Julie had exclaimed. Mine, the monster under my bed.
My mother was beautiful. I'm not sure she ever knew that. When I look back at the early photos my Dad took of my Mom in 1959 and 1960 I see a beautiful young woman. With tousled short heart, high cheek bones, brown eyes and red lips in sweater sets and skirts she was beautiful.
Were they both angry that I wasn't the slim, dark eye, natural beauty she was?
I've read that some parents project onto their children the parts of themselves they loath most. Was that the case? Or did they vent their hostility for each other onto me?
I kept giving up on him, but when it is your Dad you always hope that sooner or later they'll come round and realize who you really are and say those magical words: I love you. As I say them to him now, he does not say them back. One day as I kissed Dad on his forehead and said those heart wrenching three words: I love you...
As I turned to slip from his room in the hospice he said it back. A sweet, spontaneous, "I love you."
Maybe he didn't know it was me. Maybe it was just a spontaneous, give a love, get a love. I hope it was mine.
If only you could have seen me. When I felt so small and over my head, when I rose to the challenge of single parenthood you acted the role of an adversary. Instead of having my back, you were on it. Why couldn't you have just have loved me?
Say something.....
Say something....
I'm sorry I couldn't get to you
I'm sorry I couldn't make you love me.
I always loved you, that's what made it hurt so wicked bad.
A child loves her father
Flaws and all
At least, this child did
I forgive you
The pain oozes out of me now like a river
Carving a new path in a scarred landscape
Rushing on
The words are the vehicle for my river
Love me, love me not
May God make you whole again
If in the here after you come to visit me again
Let the Old Spice Lime cologne scent let me know you are there
I love you Dad, I wish you peace and restoration.
Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere, I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you
[Verse 1]
And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all
And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl
[Chorus 2]
Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere, I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you
[Verse 2]
And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye
[Chorus 3]
Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
And anywhere, I would have followed you
Oh... say something, I'm giving up on you
[Outro]
Say something, I'm giving up on you
Say something...
